Jump

I've started a job search.

There's nothing wrong with the company that I work for. I've been promoted three times in three years, even received a very healthy bonus this year as appreciation for all my efforts.

There's been no shortage of recognition, awards, been tapped for special projects, my strengths invested in. Human resources would swoon in review of my corporate treatment. So far, this job has been nothing short of textbook "American Dream" for me.

So, the nagging question is, of course, "Why leave?"

The answer, as if you couldn't already guess, is management.

When I started my current career as a contractor, my role was performing menial data entry tasks for healthcare clients. My supervisor at the time knew our business, and she wielded that knowledge flawlessly when it came to making executive decisions.

In meetings both internal and external, she transformed herself, an enlightened presence in the room that bridged whatever gap was between her surroundings and the objective. People were putty in her hands, manipulated with a smile on their face. Her goals were achieved without fear or dabbling in ethical gray areas; she strategically placed pressure in a way that couldn't be construed as anything other than her doing her job, and I adored her for it.

I saw her as a leader, strong, nearly fearless. Dare I say, she inspired me.

The allure of her confidence prompted me to work harder, to distinguish myself from the rest of the pack. I isolated my colleagues and identified their strengths, not for the sake of collaboration, but to know what I was up against: where to be faster, where to be smarter, what to leverage to get what I wanted. And what I wanted was, naturally, to grow into a leadership role.

Fast forward three and a half years, and here I am. Exactly what I set my sights on. Most of my original team is gone. Of those who are left (two other than myself), one works for me and the other has siloed herself to where her career trajectory is not just stagnant but non-existent all together.

This isn't an ego trip. I don't get off on knowing that I clawed my way to the very thing I wanted with little to no resistance. If I'm honest, there is no pride in my story, just confusion.
An individual had enough influence on me to change my mindset. Yet, not even a third of a decade later, my professional desire has been killed by a different individual.

Loosened thoughts are pooling in the back of my mind, questions bubbling from their collection: Am I too pliable? Too affected? Maybe. Should I have a stronger resolve, more determination? Also, maybe. Will it always be like this...chasing whatever plight my heart has shifted to every few years? I hope not.

But the most prominent exchange: "Should I jump?" I am praying that soon I have an answer.